June 25, 2009

THU 25 JUN

Long and short of it..   (Blog)

I haven't been able to take the time to go running in a while, and so on a night that I finally had completely free, I decided to hit the open road.  It was cool, sunny, still light out, and practically perfect.  I threw on some shorts, laced up my sneaks, and hit the open road.

As I began on my adventure, I didn't particularly know which direction I was going to go, or exactly how far.. and I loved that.  I always love the very beginning of my run, b/c the possibilities are endless.. I can go anywhere, and at that particular moment, do just about anything.  Exhaustion hasn't even peeked over the horizon at that time, my legs are freshly stretched and rearing to go, and the sun still sits high enough over head offering promising visibility.

Even as much as I love a good challenge, I have to admit, I tend to try to analyze the running route to figure out which way will hinder me from having to overcome the most grueling hills.  Basically, any direction I leave my house is going to result in a hill climb or two.. or three.. or four.. or more.. but if you hit it right, you can limit the amount of strain on your body by figuring out which direction will allow for less of an incline and more of a light and easy jog.

I guess I planned way wrong..

The direction I ran, in my mind's eye, had LESS inclining hills overall, but the few hills that I did encounter were LOOOONNNNNNGGGGGGGG and slow inclines.

As a runner, a short yet steep hill is an answer to prayer over a long, slow incline.  I sometimes feel I would rather run up seven 3 minute, 65 degree incline hills then I would have to run up one 15 min 30 degree incline ANY day.  And this particular route was most definitely the latter.

Lately, I feel that such has been my own daily walk.  It is amazing, b/c I notice though I love to be challenged spiritually, lately I have started out the days of my life questioning "which route will provide the least amount of hills for my journey".  I'm not worried about where I'm going or how I'll get there b/c I know it will all come together in the end.  But my focus (I'm ashamed to admit) has been... how can I get there with the least amount of challenge.  And so I start to go... and as I'm venturing out, I am realizing that there are many opportunities for me to see a challenge, and climb up and over it quickly to continue on my way.  This would be the way that I feel would develop the best endurance for my own particular strengthening.. Yet in my attempt to remove myself from the higher number of challenges, I'm being placed in longer moments of having to work, strive, and strain so as to develop perseverance.

Oddly enough, as I'm trying to run up the incline, I think to myself of how much easier it would have been to simply take the other route, overcome the hurdles placed before me, and be done with it.  I refuse to go back.. I wont turn around, and I won't start over.. I press forward, so now it's just time to face the truth and walk on....

 

James 1:2-8

 2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.

June 1, 2009

MON 1 JUN

Destination Determined....   (Blog)

"Every path has a destination, and the direction a person takes determines their destination" (Andy Stanley)

Sometimes in our lives, we find ourselves lost.

Heading out on a journey, excitement erupting, anticipation overwhelming our entire being, and all possible plans have been made to ensure for a perfect day.  As we are on our way, there is no official line drawn to determine the moment when we knew where we were going and enjoying the moment and when we actually became lost.  At some point, a wrong turn, a short cut, or a detour was taken which caused the path we had taken to get to our destination to be redirected.

It is amazing to me how much one desires to make it to a certain "place" in life, and more often than not it is thought that "it doesn't matter how I get there, I know my heart is set on getting there, and that's exactly what will happen".

I have been noticing in my own life that I have lived with the disconnect that as long as my intentions are good and positive and as long as I want to end up somewhere good, it doesn't matter what path I take, because at the end of the day the path I take trumps the desired destination.

It doesn't matter what the situation is.  More often than not, we get fixated on the immediate, and we get lost and forget the ultimate.  We may have the intention or the focus of the ultimate destination, but in all actuality, the intent doesn't really matter.

Direction determines destination - not intention.

Are the paths you are on going to get you where you want to be?

"The reason we are so enamored with the wrong path is because there is something or somebody on that path that has such a strong emotional appeal (it IS emotional, not rational) that we get so fixated on the immediate that we don't think about the ultimate. There is something so emotionally appealing that it gets a hook in our heart.  The reason we get on the wrong path is because there is something that has such a strong emotional appeal that we don't even realize we are on the wrong path." (Proverbs 7:25 - Do not let your heart turn to her ways or stray into her paths).   (quote from Andy Stanley - the Principle of the Path)

For myself, I have realized some areas of my own life where I have become lost on the path of my own journey.  I can honestly admit that at times I have responded to emotional appeals in my life - ones that have NO rationality what-so-ever.   I am no stranger to the desire I have for immediate over ultimate, and the longing I have for the immediate to become satisfied.  I sometimes wonder if it isn't more of a pride thing.  I have spent most of my life "doing the right thing" that when an "immediate" situation presents itself, I am quick to say, "I'm ok.  I won't get sidetracked.. I won't get off course, and my heart is in the right place so I know I'll get where I need to be" and thus I respond to the persuasive words that end up leading me astray.

I don't have time for that..

I will never have this time of my life to go back and do it over.  I am tired of the fact that I can allow a distraction to come in and cause me to focus on the immediate and lose sight of the ultimate.  Like the youth in Proverbs 7 that becomes sidetracked by the adulteress, I can see situations I have encountered in my life that have seduced me with smooth talk, with which all at once I have followed, like an ox going to the slaughter, like a deer stepping into a noose, like a bird darting into a snare (Proverbs 7:21-23).

Solomon goes on to say in verse 24-26:
"Listen to me - PAY ATTENTION! Do not let your heart turn to those ways, or stray into those paths.  Many are the victims that have been brought down."

I have realized that a lot of times it is easy to justify and feel "special" in a situation..  In verse 15, the adulteress says to the youth, "I came out to meet YOU; I have looked for YOU and have found YOU!".  How often have I allowed myself to believe that I am special in a particular situation.. How often have I believed the lies that I am THE ONE that was being sought out.  For once in my life I'm proud to say I'M NOT SPECIAL.  The woman in this passage has MANY that follow her to destruction, and maybe in life we feel we are the only one that feels we can justify the immediate in hopeful anticipation of the ultimate, but WE ARE NOT SPECIAL.

Maybe the immediate is hope to be more established materially, so we fall into debt trying to accumlate more "things".

Maybe the immediate is finding that "perfect person", so we allow ANYONE that shows an interest in us to pursue us.

Maybe the immediate is the hope of having extravagant things and vacations for our family, so we work and work and work all of the time in hopes to save up for "times together", all the while missing out on family time in the process.

Maybe ... maybe we are justifying too much.. We are missing the ultimate.. We are hoping that our heart being in the right place will trump whatever mess ups we do along the way by responding to the immediate, but the point is we have to STAY ON COURSE.
 
It is easy to think we are smarter than that.. slicker than that.. and that we can avoid it..

you CAN'T avoid it.. direction will determine destination.. NOT intention..

What direction are you going in morally, financially, spiritually.. in your marriage.. in your finances.. in your work.. in your life?

"Every path has a destination,
and the direction a person takes determines their destination"




(**In the event that you have time to refresh yourself with the story Proverbs 7, I have included it below**)
Proverbs 7:6-

 6 At the window of my house
       I looked out through the lattice.

 7 I saw among the simple,
       I noticed among the young men,
       a youth who lacked judgment.

 8 He was going down the street near her corner,
       walking along in the direction of her house

 9 at twilight, as the day was fading,
       as the dark of night set in.

 10 Then out came a woman to meet him,
       dressed like a prostitute and with crafty intent.

 11 (She is loud and defiant,
       her feet never stay at home;

 12 now in the street, now in the squares,
       at every corner she lurks.)

 13 She took hold of him and kissed him
       and with a brazen face she said:

 14 "I have fellowship offerings [a] at home;
       today I fulfilled my vows.

 15 So I came out to meet you;
       I looked for you and have found you!

 16 I have covered my bed
       with colored linens from Egypt.

 17 I have perfumed my bed
       with myrrh, aloes and cinnamon.

 18 Come, let's drink deep of love till morning;
       let's enjoy ourselves with love!

 19 My husband is not at home;
       he has gone on a long journey.

 20 He took his purse filled with money
       and will not be home till full moon."

 21 With persuasive words she led him astray;
       she seduced him with her smooth talk.

 22 All at once he followed her
       like an ox going to the slaughter,
       like a deer [b] stepping into a noose [c]

 23 till an arrow pierces his liver,
       like a bird darting into a snare,
       little knowing it will cost him his life.

 24 Now then, my sons, listen to me;
       pay attention to what I say.

 25 Do not let your heart turn to her ways
       or stray into her paths.

 26 Many are the victims she has brought down;
       her slain are a mighty throng.

 27 Her house is a highway to the grave, [d]
       leading down to the chambers of death.

May 12, 2009

TUE 12 MAY

Just get up   (Blog) By Angela Beth

It's already way past the time I had anticipated being in bed, especially knowing that I have to wake up so early tomorrow morning to bring my brother to the airport.  I just finished setting 4 of my 6 alarms, with the first alarm all ready to go off at 4:15 a.m..  It's called wake up security, and knowing that I'm not exactly what one would call a "morning person", I'm also not ashamed to admit the dependence I have on a series of loud obnoxious noises to guarantee my success for the morning wake up. 

I had to sit down and get some thoughts out, because I was completely amazed at a conversation that I just finished having with my brother.  I expressed in raw humility a lot of struggles that I have been facing lately in my own spiritual walk, and that I envy where he is at right now.  The wisdom that poured out of this man of God's mouth humbled me...

He was quick to inform me of how difficult it really is for anyone to be a "morning person", and that he is going to be the first to admit the challenge he has each day waking up knowing all he has to face and deal with.  He proceeded to share some things that would best be summed up by stating, as he said so clearly, "Just get up". 

"Just get up... too many people open one eye, only to slam it shut, pull the covers over their head in their life and roll back over to go back to sleep.  It is so important to just get up.  You can't just lie there in defeat".

Understanding that he was not simply speaking about those moments in the morning that we ALL wish to just roll back under the covers in, but more about how we live our life, this statement hit me pretty hard.  It is so easy for me to accept and give in to the desire to say, "I'm already flat on my back, and I don't think I can really get through what I'm facing, so I'm going to "hit snooze" and go back to sleep".  As a child of God, I don't have that entrapment that I have to give in to.  I have the freedom in Christ to just get up.  To step up, understand that at times in my walk and in my life, I will fall again... and again.. and again.... but I have to remember each time I fall, I have to just get up... and if I fall again.. it's time to just get up.. and when I fall another time... just get up..

I think due to how hard I have always been on myself, it is so important to not accept the defeat that comes with a trial that I feel I have not passed so successfully, but rather I have to just get up, brush off the dust, and keep going. 

Ezekiel 37:4 & 5:

 Then he said to me, "Prophesy to these bones and say to them, 'Dry bones, hear the word of the LORD! This is what the Sovereign LORD says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life.

May 4, 2009

MON 4 MAY

God is near...   (Blog) By Angela Beth

(Psalm 31:12 - I am forgotten....I have become like broken pottery)

God is near...
He is near to you..
He hasn't left..
He doesn't want to....
Sometimes when you go through something, you think He can't stand to be around you.
You think that maybe, just maybe, you have finally "done it"..
messed up..
screwed up..
dropped the ball..
and made yourself not worth it to Him.

God is near..
He is near to you...

It is so hard to grasp this Love.. this unrelenting, unending, all consuming Love.
When your heart breaks enough that you think you won't rise again.
When your spirit is weary..
When you are beaten and bruised..

He is near to you..
He hasn't left..
and He doesn't want to..

God is near

Approaching the Throne:
by: Angela Consolo

1.
Lately it seems I've been running from You.
Lately it seems I've been running from You.
Lately it seems I've been running from You.
Lately it seems I've been running from You.

Chorus:
But here I come broken
I feel so unworthy
Don't think you can find any
good left in me

My body is tired
my spirit is heavy
Approaching the throne tell me
what do You see

I see My beloved
and I have been waiting
for you to turn
your heart back to Me

I just want to hold you
to teach you of true Love
I'm wondering how long it
will take you to see

2.
Take you to see; to see the love I - the love I have for you
Take you to see; to see the love I - the love I have for you
Take you to see; to see the love I - the love I have for you
Take you to see; to see the love I - the love I have for you


Chorus:
But here I come broken
I feel so unworthy
Don't think you can find any
good left in me

My body is tired
my spirit is heavy
Approaching the throne tell me
what do You see

I see My beloved
and I have been waiting
for you to turn
your heart back to Me

I just want to hold you
to teach you of true Love
I'm wondering how long it
will take you to see

April 28, 2009

TUE 28 APR

Stagnant..   (Blog)

Jeremiah 15:17-19

  I never sat in the company of revelers,
       never made merry with them;
       I sat alone because your hand was on me
       and you had filled me with indignation.

 Why is my pain unending
       and my wound grievous and incurable?
       Will you be to me like a deceptive brook,
       like a spring that fails?

 Therefore this is what the LORD says:
       "If you repent, I will restore you
       that you may serve me;
       if you utter worthy, not worthless, words,
       you will be my spokesman.
       Let this people turn to you,
       but you must not turn to them.

A couple of days ago I was out for a walk.. I had a very limited amount of time before having to run off to the next responsibility, and I just needed a moment of clarity.. a moment to breathe..

I came upon this pond and was so intrigued.. I'm not entirely sure why because it wasn't a very attractive body of water.. It was small, dirty, there was a whole bunch of trash lining the outside, and the water was stagnant.  It wasn't moving, there was no flowing in, and no flowing out..

I couldn't seem to move, and was only able to stand and stare for a long time.

I guess what intrigued me the most about this body of water was that it is something that has purpose, yet isn't being used to it's full potential.. It has an ability to be a fresh and flowing spring, full of life, purity, and provision to all that encounter it.  Whether it be to provide water to quench a thirst, coolness on a hot day, or a home for inhabitants that live beneath the surface, this body of water has so much more potential than what it is allowing itself to be at the current moment. 

Yet without a source flowing in and a source flowing out, it just sits... stagnant... dead.

Something that I have been learning is that it is so easy to back off at periods in life and just think that, "I can survive even when I'm disconnected".  I have been able to observe and hear the hearts of a few valuable people in my life that have expressed that they feel isolated, alone, and uncertain about the relationships in their life.  Like this pond, they see that detached from a positive flow or source into their life, they become stagnant, filthy, and almost dead within.  The desire for their true purpose to be fulfilled is there, but in the momentary free standing faze of their life, they are left with a body of water and no life. 


My heart has ached to figure out a way of understanding this epidemic. I, too, have experienced the place of isolating myself to a point of simply stating, "I'm ok, just a little busy", and cutting off sources of flowing in and out of my life.  Rightfully so, people start to get the hint and back off.  It's a catch 22, because I understand the want and the need, yet not allowing my heart to respond to either due to the uncertainty of what it might bring.  Like this pond, some days the rain may pour, the water may overflow, more life than it feels built for may come and exist within, and there could be a greater move of growth than ever to be expected.. and there will also be days that the pond will be a little "quieter".. dry spells, less activity, and lonliness.. It's sometimes easier to just cut off all sources and know the constant (even if it were negative) then it is to not know what's ahead on a daily basis...

But without taking that chance, eventually everything that exists around will become dead..

I'm learning how to hear the heartbreak of those around, the stagnant ponds... of seeking out those that need an extra drop of water flowing in, so as to provide some movement, hope, and life.  I am searching for the sensitivity to know how and when to make an approach, the words to speak, and the heart to show care and concern, without saying or doing the wrong thing.  I want to learn how to be a new source of life, as well as have life poured in and flowing out of me. 

I wrote this song for a friend of mine that has been going through such a situation with me:

I'm not really sure where I am right now.
I"m trying to find the easy way out
You ask what's been going on with me
But I don't think I can answer you truthfully..

But I wonder, can I ask you for this one thing
A small favor when your looking at the whole scene.

Chorus:
Please don't give up on me
I'm still here, can't you hear me calling
I'm trying to fight this fight of the battle deep inside
So can I ask you
Please don't give up on me...

I'm trying to think about what I would do
If you were me & I was you
The darkness has become a better friend
the only hope remaining is that this will end


Yet I wonder, can I ask you for this one thing
A small favor when your looking at the whole scene.

Chorus:
Please don't give up on me
I'm still here, can't you hear me calling
I'm trying to fight this fight of the battle deep inside
So can I ask you
Please don't give up on me...

Please don't give up on me
I'm still here, can't you hear me calling
I'm trying to fight this fight of the battle deep inside
So can I ask you
Please don't give up on me...

April 22, 2009

WED 22 APR

Ready for the adventure..   (Blog) By Angela Beth

I have been learning a lot about this lust and desire for adventure that exists within me.  It is something that I have never noticed before, or maybe I have noticed but never really paid attention to.  Sure, I have always known myself to be a person that is more intrigued by different sorts of activities, and I have always battled with the curiosity of "what is on the other side".  It has been an interesting internal struggle within me b/c of the fact that I was raised to be an obedient, respectful, abiding, obeying type of individual.  I never wanted to do wrong, especially not against those that loved me and that I loved, and since my family was wonderfully protective, anything that involved risk was usually something that was "strongly advised against" (unless I followed my big brother, who was an individual that during his younger years "acted first and thought later"... Thankfully he is a "full of wisdom" type of man at this point in his life!).

I have been facing an area of my life that has basically positioned me in a new level of a hunger for an adventure, a starvation for something more than just what is in front of my every day type of life.  I hadn't really acknowledge that what I have been faced with has anything to do with "adventure", but lately I have really been seeking and praying about what has been stirred within me that isn't seeming to provide rest, peace, or certainty about who I really am.  I decided to take a look at what the word adventure really means, and I was quite surprised with the definition provided:

An adventure is an activity that comprises risky, dangerous or uncertain experiences. The term is more popularly used in reference to physical activities that have some potential for danger, such as skydiving, mountain climbing, and extreme sports. The term is broad enough to refer to any enterprise that is potentially fraught with risk, such as a business venture or a major life undertaking. An adventurer is a person who bases their lifestyle or their fortunes on adventurous acts.

Adventurous experiences create psychological and physiological arousal, which can be interpreted as negative (e.g. fear) or positive (e.g. flow), and which can become a detriment as per the Yerkes-Dodson law. For some people, adventure becomes a major pursuit in and of itself.

Adventurous activities are typically undertaken for the purposes of recreation or excitement, such as multi-sport adventure racing or a traveler's adventure tourism. However, an adventurous activity can lead to gains in knowledge, such as in the case of the numerous pioneers who have explored and charted the Earth and, in recent times, traveled into space and to the Moon. As a more modern example, adventure education makes use of challenging experiences for learning.

Moreover, adventure can be describing an unusual experience or participating in exciting undertakings. An adventure action can be involving risky undertaking or an action without concerning outcome. In addition, taking an adventure can be illustrating taking the chance or to adventure an opinion. (Taken from Wikipedia)

The very first part of the definition caught my attention immediately - adventure usually involves risky, uncertain, or dangerous experiences. 

Risk, Uncertainty, Danger

Normally, most people want the certainty that they are safe in their life and will not be in danger.  So what then is this lust for "adventure".  What is it about seeking that which is not a part of the beaten path that stirrs up within a person, causing lack of satisfaction until the adventure is achieved. 

The definition concludes by stating that an adventure involves a risky undertaking or an action without concerning outcome.

In other words, IF you do this, you MAY face that... IF you seek this dangerous situation, you MAY have to deal with the consequences of the outcome that you MAY not have anticipated.  IF you go bridge-jumping, you don't know what is under the surface and therefore MAY get injured.  IF you drive fast you MAY get caught and penalized or worse yet, hurt or kill yourself or a bystander.  IF you give in to the temptation, you MAY deal with a result that will open the door to consequences...

Have you concerned yourself with the outcome??

I guess I'm not entirely sure what my understanding is of this... I have not stopped praying for a "Godly adventure".  I want to know what it means ... I want to know why my heart was created for more than just "coloring in the lines" of my life, and yet I cannot seem to look beyond the concern of the outcome.  I am constantly wrapped up in what will happen next, or as a result of.  I will admit I sometimes go through with things that I know involve risk, danger, and uncertainty, but I have been learning that in those momentary attempts to satisfy the beast within, I am at a loss of peace.  Being separated from the peace of Christ and what He is doing in and through me has not yet become worth more than certainty in Him. 

I know I have been created with this heart for an adventure within me, and I am longing to figure out what He desires to do with it.  I want the peace of Christ to rule WITHIN that life of adventure that I so seek and strive for.  I want to do more and face more than just sitting and watching it all move around me, but I want to live in a sense of "respectful adventure" in line with who He is. 

God, my heart wants to find a new adventure in You.  I am confused with what adventure means and what has been instilled within me.  I know that adventure is not a negative thing in and of itself, and I long to seek after you as an ultimate adventure.  I want to enjoy the journey... I want the approval of You on what I have yet to encounter. 

Father, I long to hear the words that were spoken in Judges, stating "Go in peace. Your adventure [journey] has the LORD's approval." (Judges 18:6).

Father, I seek your approval in my adventure...

April 7, 2009

TUE 7 APR

Manasseh   (Blog) By Angela Beth

2 Chronicles 33:12 & 13:
In his distress he sought the favor of the Lord his God and humbled himself greatly before the God of his fathers.  And when he prayed to him, the Lord was moved by his entreaty and listened to his plea; so he brought him back to Jerusalem and to his kingdom.   Then Manasseh knew that the Lord is God.

I feel that I so often think about all of the wrong that I have done in my life, and I wonder what is the limit.. where is the point.. basically the "point of no return" with God.  When do I cross the line to make Him say I am a disgrace to Him and the kingdom and that I am no longer worthy of His love. 

I was speaking w/ Pop the other day and, being that he is a firm Catholic believing individual, we had a long discussion about God's grace.  Pop was incredibly and genuinely intrigued by the assurance... such a blessed assurance.. that Jesus Christ came to take away the sins of all.. and all of the sins.  It was a statement much too difficult for his purgatory believing mind to grasp...   "Angie, I've done a lot wrong in my life.. a LOT wrong.. so I just spend my time doing right now in hope that He isn't going to forget about the good, but I know I still have to pay for the bad". 

I felt like the blind leading the blind.  Even though I have been raised believing in the firm truth of His Amazing Grace, I still face a constant struggle of believing that I'M not worthy enough to be forgiven.  I live a life prepared and ready for the punishment that will soon follow with the backslidden or wrong choices that I have made over the years, and I focus more on the penance that I feel I must pay instead of the One who paid it for me.  I have a strong dislike.. in honesty, a hate for the sin nature within me, yet it is one thing that I just can't seem to escape.  I couldn't believe my own words coming out of my own mouth.. "Pop - they are gone.  You are washed whiter than snow and you never have to focus on what you did in the past again! Isn't that great?"  Yet in my mind I was thinking, "If only I could get over what I just did last week". 

I picked up a bible for a friend of mine, and as I was flipping through I came to this article that directed me to read about Manasseh and all of the wrong, and willingly rebellious things that he had done.  He was raised knowing the way of the Lord, and he knew the things that he was doing were displeasing to the Father, yet it wasn't enough for him to surrender the desires he had in his heart to do what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it, and so he continued.  I love the part of the story where, "in his distress he sought the favor of the Lord his God and humbled himself greatly before God". 

I notice that is the best way to describe what and how I feel when I am not in right standing with God.

Distress. 

So often I realized I come to the place where I place my forehead on the ground and say, "God.  I'm sorry.  I am not good enough, and I am not anything without You.  I can't go on without You, and I ask for Your returned favor".

I love how quickly God turns around, and how much He is moved by my plea, as He was with Manasseh.  It says that "God brought him back to his kingdom".  I always feel like He is going to cast me aside, push me out, and make me figure it out on my own, but the instance I get down before Him, He draws me in, and brings me back to the kingdom that He has for me. 

About a week or so ago, I sat down at the piano and allowed my heart to pour forth the aching that was kept as a prisoner within.  I couldn't describe the uncertainty in the struggle with longing for clarity of what He sees in the wretched one that I am, yet I am so thankful that He continues to bring me back.

March 25, 2009

WED 25 MAR

My Anchor   (Blog) By Angela Beth

March 11, 2009

WED 11 MAR

Midnight   (Blog) By Angela Beth

I can't sleep..

I don't get it.. ever really.  Long days, early mornings.. full agendas.. and all of the steps anyone would suggest to help me ease into my night and "turn in" earlier each day..

I sit here.. i'm yawning.. I drank some "tension tamer" tea, took a nice hot bath, and have done all necessary prep for a quick turn in, especially knowing that my alarm clock will be blaring in less than five hours for yet another full day.  (one that I am EXTREMELY excited about, I might add). 

A few blows hit me this evening after I had determined that the day was good.. complete.. and ready for a close.  I hadn't anticipated what I would be faced with, and knowing that it is during an hour when not many people are available (let alone coherent), I realized it was going to be either a "toss and turn" type of night or a "turn it over and be done with it" type of surrender. 

As I had stated earlier, I came home from a late and long work out, hopped in a hot tub in hopes to calm any remaining jumping endorphines left over from the workout, and just sat..

It's interesting, basically everyone close to me knows that I'm a "bather".  I know people have their views, but I just love.. at the close of the day, to just soak.  Tonight as I was cleaning up, I was heavy and lost in my mind and heart.  I couldn't stop re-thinking those two main things that seemed to long to steal a part of my joy and add a burden I hadn't been prepared to take on. 

Washing my hair, I just felt His explanation of a part of why end of day bathing is such a crucial and "surviving" part of my day.  Covering myself with suds from head to toe, it hit me that I would have to wash all that off, and when I was finished, let it all go down the drain..

EVERYTHING.

It is so easy for me to just go on after showering up or bathing and just continue mulling over that which so desires to consume me and rob me of my peace.  Yet each night - regardless of anything I have going on, I MUST soak before bed.. I must lather up, rinse off, and let it all go down the drain. 

Tonight as I was stepping out of the tub and I pulled the drain, I physically forced myself (as silly as it was) to wave and say "BuhBye" to each of the burdens that have attempted to weigh me down.  It was a refreshing experience for me in more ways then one, b/c although the challenge is still there to not think about such things, I know that they are gone.  When you drop something physical down a drain, unless you are prepared to shut off your entire water supply and take apart all of your plumbing, that stuff isn't coming back.  Such are like my burdens...

Walking around my home before crawling into bed, I still knew that for some reason, We weren't finished.  God had something else to share, and I just couldn't find the level of peace that I was so longing for so as to be rejuvenated for the next day.  I grabbed my Bible and one of my other favorite books, "Come away My Beloved" by Fances J. Roberts.

I did the typical "flip" through the beloved book in hopes to land on just the right reading for the night.. The first two (yes.. I failed to nail it immediately) were both EXCELLENT readings for areas of struggle in my life, but I finally turned to the very next page at exactly 11:59 and the title read A song at Midnight.

Behold, I Am near at hand to bless you, and I will surely give to you out of the abundance of heaven.  For My heart is open to your cry; yes, when you cry to Me in the night seasons, I am alert to your call, and when you search after Me, the darkness will not hide My face; it will be as the stars which shine more brightly in the deep of night.  Even so it shall be.  In the night of spiritual battle, there I shall give you fresh revelations of Myself, and you shall see Me more clearly than you could in the sunlight of ease and pleasure.  Man by nature chooses the day and shuns the night; but I say to you, I shall make your midnight a time of great rejoicing, and I will fill the dark hour with songs of praise.  Yes, with David, you shall rise at midnight to sing.  It has been written, "Joy comes in the morning," but I will make your song break out in the night.  For he who lifts the shout of faith and praise in the night, to him there shall be joy in the morning.

I love the ability He has to reveal clarity of exactly who I am and why I live a life in such a "different" manner.  I have never been able to understand the reason for being a "night person" when it seems all I'm surrounded by are people who have logical reasons to not stay up late.  I try and try to get in bed earlier, to wake up earlier, etc.. yet it just never seems to fit.  I realized just moments before I opened that book that I was already thinking, "who might still be up that I could say a quick hello to"?  It is at this moment ONLY that He is revealing the jealousy He has to see me.. hear from me.. and enjoy me.. all to himself.. no phone ringing.. no texting.. no temptation to respond to.  Just me and My Jesus. 

Joy comes in the morning, and I lift a shout of faith and praise tonight!
 

March 10, 2009

TUE 10 MAR

Slow Down   (Blog) By Angela Beth

Quite a few months ago I was caught.. I got a speeding ticket. 

It was already one of those rush til you break kind of days.  I felt that I had about 800 different tasks to complete in a very limited amount of time..  Yet my agenda was not a priority of the cop that pulled me over. 

I think the most humbling thing about the ticket was that I was caught in a zone that is a very "comfortable" area to drive the average speed limit of 55, yet the speed sign says 35 mph.  It doesn't matter how much of a straightaway that road is, the sign still says 35 mph.  And I must obey...

Since the occurrence, and the uncertainty of what the ticket will do to affect my license, insurance, and bank account, I have been working to discipline my foot to ease up on the gas pedal...

I can't even express to you the challenge that is before me in this new level of discipline.  I never realized how difficult it really would be to simply slooooow dooooown.. and I really didn't realize how often I was "pushing" it with my driving.. Going a certain amount over the speed limit, feeling that I am potentially in a safe zone of being able to go over the required limit without "getting caught"..

How ashamed I am of my submission to speed.. of my recourse in rebellion..

Ever since my court date, and the fear of the unknown as well as the humiliation of the experience, I have turned my cruise control on whenever I get in my car. 

OH MY GOODNESS!

Suddenly the world is whizzing by me!  I can barely focus on the make or model of the cars that cannot handle my "putt putt putting along" on down the road, and in their angered road rage, pass me... whether we are on a road that allows passing or not!  (ok.. maybe I'm exaggerating a little bit). 

The other day I was on the thruway, coming back from Schenectady.  I once again set my reliable and trusted cruise control, got in the middle lane (b/c I am not completely ready to lower myself to the far right lane), and drivers in all three lanes couldn't handle my following the speed limit to the exact number.  I felt like I was in a sea of cars, and all of them were circling around and swallowing me up, leaving me to stare at their taillights as they sped on by.  (What finally made me veer into the right "slow" lane was the 18 wheeler that appeared and grew in my rearview mirror so much so that I thought my Subaru was about to get sucked into his front grill).

I will admit this one little secret to myself.  As difficult as it has been to slow my car down, receive annoyed glances and stares by passerbys, and provide enough time to get from point A to point B without the need for speed, I have honestly enjoyed myself.  I don't know what it is, but there is something peaceful about taking my time, and simply enjoying the ride.  It hasn't really mattered if it is a drive from my apartment to the shop, or a drive from the shop way out to Schenectady.  I have been amazed at so much that I have missed in the journey lately.  I have actually found I have to be careful with myself, b/c I have been enjoying the ride, scenery, and things around me so much that I tend to take too long in my drive, as well as observe a little too much! 

I have found such is a similarity with who I have found myself to be in Christ.  I have spent so much of my life just running, rushing.. signing up.. committing.. answering to expectations.. and almost crashing in the speed I have to be everywhere and do everything that I have "felt" has been needed of me as a Christian.  I have lost a huge part of the joy of the journey.  Like those drivers that now want to run me off the road, I had been angry at those who may be in front of me, moseying on their own peaceful way, taking in all that comes in their path, in my rush to get here or there.  I feel the fuel I have used in my rushing has run out as swiftly as my driving, and has caused me the need for quicker "fill ups" to try to make it through another day... another week.  I'm just plain exhausted from the speed and I'm missing everything!

It has been so challenging to figure out how to set my spiritual "cruise control", but I would be lying if I said I haven't enjoyed it.  I am loving the opportunity I have to sit more.. enjoy more quality conversations.. read and rejuvenate.. Experience His voice and direction.. and just wait on Him to bring the beauty of the surroundings and the desires of His heart to my life.. to my journey. 

I am thankful that My Father also knows how to be a slow God.. Though many times I want Him to "hurry up" in the plans that He has for me.. in the same way, the time He has taken to establish me, teach me, and have mercy on me has allowed me to make it thus far in my life without "crashing" due to my need for speed.

Psalm 86:15:

But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.

June 28, 2008

SAT 28 JUN 2008

The Awakening   (My Blog) By Angela Beth

    A time comes in your life when you finally get it . . . When in the midst
of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the
voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH!

    Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child
quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder
once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes
you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.
 
    You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to
change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next
horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming or
she is not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy
tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of
"happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process a sense of
serenity is born ofacceptance. And there's nothin wrong with being single
too. I love it most of the time. But it gets lonely too.
 
    You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone
will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are . . . and
that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn
the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense
of new found confidence is born of self-approval.
 
    You stop blaming other people for the things they did to you
(or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count
on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean
or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and
that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to
take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety & security is born
of self-reliance.
 
    You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as
they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the
process a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.

 

    You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around
you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained
into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed
about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should
weigh, what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should
drive, how and where you should live and what you should do for a living, who
you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of
having and raising children or what you owe your parents.
   
    You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you
begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.
You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard
the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to
begin with and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn
that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory
in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as
a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

 

    Your learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the
outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the
foundation upon which you must build a life.

 

    You learn that you don't know everything; it's not your job to save the
world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish
between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and
learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you
choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

 

    Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familiar love. How to love,
how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away.

    You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship.
You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable
or important because of who is on your arm or the child that bears your name.

    You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you
would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and
outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change so it is with love. .
. and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms
just to make you happy.

 

    And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely . . . And you look in the
mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a
perfect 7 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and
agonizing over how you "stack up." You also stop working so hard at putting
your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

 

    You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK . . . . and that
it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want and
that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

 

    You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love,
kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. And, you
allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with their
touch . . . and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

 

    And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care
of it and treat it with respect. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit
and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest.

 

    And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take
more time to laugh and to play.

    You learn, that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you
deserve . . . and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

    You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that
wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it
happen.

 

    More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need
direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it
all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help. You learn that the only
thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time. FEAR itself.
You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that
whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the
right to live life on your terms.

 

    And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under
a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't
always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that you're not being punished by God and that He isn't failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening.

 

     And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state - the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

    Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself, and
you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle
for less than your heart's desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your
window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep
smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

 

 

Finally, with courage in your heart and a renewed spirit you take a
stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want and begin to live as best as you can.
 

June 24, 2008

TUE 24 JUN 2008

Lost treasures at sea   (My Blog)

(***I just spent 40 minutes writing today's thoughts, and LOST them!  I guess it goes along with this theme, but I'm going to try to bring retype them out.. I'm hoping it's exactly what He wants spoken ... second time around..)    

 

What lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

What is that which truly lies within us.  What is the object of who we are when we fall deep deep into the depth of our soul.. the places where no one sees.. no one knows.. and no one is able to reach into for a clearer understanding of what makes us who we are. 

 

When I think about the depth of our soul the thought that comes to mind is a scene from the movie Finding Nemo.  There is one part in the movie when Nemo's father and his new friend, Dory, are searching for Nemo, and lose a piece of paper that has the address where Nemo is located.  The address happens to fall deep into the furthest place of the ocean, and being the determined father that he is, Nemo's dad won't stop until he finds that which was lost..

 

 

I find it simply amazing that when you think about the ocean, you have mutliple levels of what you will find.  Usually the places that are most observed hold the beauty.. hold the creatures that leave us with awe and wonder.. starfish, jelly fish, dolphins and coral.  So many amazing creatures.. whales.. seahorses, and sand dollars. 

 

As you begin to go deeper into the waves and deeper into the heart and soul of this water jungle, you will see creatures that to the normal person cause thoughts of fear.. of a desire to stay FAR away from for fear of the uncertainty of the reactions.  You see things that maybe don't hold the same kind of beauty.. sure they are amazing to look at... but ... you have to really seek out the understanding of each creature..

 

The awesome part of it, is that EVERYTHING there has a reason for being created.. everything has a purpose.. a plan.. Yet our God.. a God that has it all figured out.. He does keep these things in places that you truly have to seek out.. you truly have to hunt down so as to have a new understanding of just WHAT exactly they were created for. 

 

As you fall further.. deeper, you notice that right before you hit the ocean floor, you stumble upon a treasure.. so lost.. so battered, but still standing.. still structured.. still existing with a story.. with a question.. with an imagination of what exactly it may have been used for.. what was it's purpose for? 

 

I have begun to come to a place of new understanding of the depths of my own soul.. I used to be afraid to allow people in to understand more of who I am.. of the things that exist in the depth..

 

Maybe due to circumstances or occurrances that have happened in our life, we only allow people to view the first level of our soul.. We appreciate the beauty of the things that we can show just as people are able to dive in, yet still escape to the top should the need arise..

 

We each understand the depth of falling falling... deeper and deeper into the depths of our own heart.. our own understanding.. there are creatures, or memories.. or things there that absolutely have an incredible purpose in the plan of who we are, yet they are the things that we aim to keep out of view.. and as you fall deeper into this part of who you are, (like the ocean), the pressure builds.. the darkness becomes even darker, and the temperature drops... until suddenly.. all of this breaks and you find...

 

The Treasure.

The treasure is there to show us the awe and wonder of exactly how strong our structure is.. how powerful the creation of that which is within us truly has become.  Sometimes it is so hard to go through the darkness to be revealed to the true beauty of what is inside, but I love the result in the end.  Most people would think that an old sunken ship is just that.. old.. sunken.. w/o use.. without purpose.. then tell me.. why do people spend billions of dollars seeking it out.. Why is it hidden only to be found by those that TRULY have a desire to know.. to understand.. to seek.. because it is worth SO much more than that which we can have, buy, build, paint, fix up, and hide behind on our earth.. I would rather seek out that which has such a foundation that it can exist after many years and water and attempts at destruction.. I would rather be weathered, but not gone.. I would rather have a heart that is totally His that is sought out by those that don't forget it's existence.. that truly know it is there, and truly desire to discover and understand... to bring life into the beauty of the history..

 

Disappointment:

Out of every disappointment there is to be gleaned some treasure.  The enemy would whisper "all is lost."  I say to you, much can be gained.  Refuse the temptation to brood over what is gone.  It has passed into the area of My sovereignty.  The present challenge requires your undivided attention. 

Give no time to dark thoughts.  Depression undermines the vigor of the soul.

(Taken from On the Highroad of Surrender by Frances J Roberts)

 

I feel that we too, are to understand the beauty of the treasure, and to seek it out when we feel that our depths have swallowed up our beauty.. our beauty is in existence, and He wants to bring us forward to pursue it, not stay left behind.. wading at the surface.. only admiring the simple things.  He longs for us to seek out that which is in the depth.. He longs for us to trust Him, to follow Him, even when it seems impossible.. when it seems frightening.. when it doesn't make sense..

 

Luke 9:57-60

As they were walking along the road, a man said to him, "I will follow you wherever you go."  Jesus replied, "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head."

He said to another man, "Follow Me" but the man replied, "Lord, first let me go and bury my father."

Jesus said to him, "Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God."

 

June 23, 2008

MON 23 JUN 2008

Mission Statement   (My Blog) By Angela Beth

mission statement

Definition

Written declaration of a firm's core purpose and focus which normally remain unchanged, whereas business strategies and practices may frequently be altered to adapt to the changing circumstances. Properly crafted mission statements (1) serve as filters to separate what is important from what is not, (2) clearly state which markets will be served and how, and (3) communicate a sense of intended direction to the entire organization. A mission is different from a vision in that the former is the cause and the latter is the effect; a mission is something to be accomplished whereas a vision is something to be pursued for that accomplishment. Also called company mission, corporate mission, or corporate purpose.

 

If you are going to own a business, one of the most important things that must be on your business plan is your mission statement.  As you read above, the purpose for a mission statement is to help filter what is important in a business from what is not, helps to clearly focus on what needs are in view and how to pursue those, and to keep a clear direction of the business.  A mission statement DOES NOT CHANGE.. A mission statement is also different from just a vision statement b/c a mission statement is that which WILL be accomplished, yet a vision statement is something that you pursue in the "hope" for accomplishment (no guarantee for accomplishment).

 

Yesterday, as I was sitting in church Pastor was speaking about joy and how important it is for us to be joyful in all things, yet not "fake" joy.  It is so easy for us to be sugar/sweet joyful about everything, but that type of joy is not permanent.. it is temporal, and it will falter.. Our Joy must come from something so much deeper, and in order to stir that up, it is important to really FIND the reasons to be joyful no matter what the circumstances..  So you lost your job.. sure you can claim that you are ok.. you didn't like it anyway.. but in time, that kind of joy will wear off.. what about the perspective that He has something even better coming.. What about thinking that He longs to teach you to trust Him more, and needed to get your attention.  What about maybe the thought that you were so powerfully being used for the kingdom in your office that the enemy removed you from your position, but God is going to give back double for your trouble.. I could go on with a list of situations, fake and then real joy, but I want to get to the real point here..

 

As pastor continued in the message, he brought up 2nd Corinthians chapter 6.  Corinthians is an amazing couple of books because.. well.. we all know Paul.  I would love to meet him in person because he just.. You just have to wonder.. what was this guy REALLY like?  I mean.. sheesh he sure does sound like a saint.. but how long did it take for him to get to the points we read about, or did he have many emotional battles before he was able to collectively sit and share with us what he gained from the battle.  I am in awe of such a man..

 

2 Corinthians 6:1-

As God's fellow workers, we urge you NOT to receive God's grace in vain.  For He says, "in the time of my favor I heard you, and in the day of salvations I helped you".  I tell you, now is the time of God's favor, now is the day of salvation.

(I love this first part simply because of the lessons I've been learning about Grace through this new chapter in my own life.)

(Paul goes on to discuss something that I haven't been able to stop thinking about.. something that I feel called to make my own personal mission statement.  Read on knowing this was taken directly out of the Word, but I have altered it to fit myself personally:)

 

  I, Angela, will put no stumbling block in anyone's path, so that my ministry will not be discredited.  Rather, as a Servant of God I commend myself in every way, in great endurance; in troubles; in hardships and in distresses; in beatings, imprisonments and riots (for me, imprisonment of mind, riots of thoughts, and beatings of spirit); in hard work, SLEEPLESS NIGHTS and hunger; in purity, understanding, patience and kindess; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in my right hand AND in my left; through glory AND through dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, though I may be regarded as an imposter; known, yet I may be unknown; dying, and yet I will live on; beaten down, yet not destroyed.. not killed; sorrowful, but still and ALWAYS rejoicing; poor (with absolutely nothing) yet making MANY rich; HAVING NOTHING YET POSSESSING EVERYTHING.   

  I have spoken this as freely as my heart will allow, and I have opened my heart wide to you.  I am not withholding my affection from you, even if you may withhold yours from me.  Yet in return, I ask and request you to open your heart as well. 

 

 

Wow.. Talk about being a loaded, frightening, and overwhelming chapter.  Especially as I personalize it, and I put my name in the verses, it's something that overwhelms me.  Yet again, to understand that a mission statement is something that will be accomplished, I desire and strive to be that which God has impressed upon Paul to call each of us to.  I long for so much more of what He has, and in the short process of just two weeks, I've been stripped of EVERYTHING and blessed with so much.. and I trust Him more and more in it. 

 

Sure.. It's going to be hard when things are not working out.. It is.. but it is then that I challenge each of you to come to me, and remind me of what He has promised.. What He has spoken.. and what I have committed to in my own personal mission statement...  

June 21, 2008

SAT 21 JUN 2008

One step   (My Blog) By Angela Beth

"Give careful thought to your ways.  You have planted much, but have harvested little.  You eat, but never have enough.  You drink, but never have your fill.  You put on clothes, but are not warm.  You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it.  Give careful thought to your ways.  Go up into the mountains and bring down timber and build the house, so that I may take pleasure in it and be honored.  You expected much, but see, it turned out to be little....

...'I am with you', declares the Lord. "  Haggai 1:5-9 and 13

 

I can become so easily distracted... so wrapped up in my own little world.. my own little thinking, when the things that He desires are just falling away.. the things that maybe He desires FOR me.. or maybe the things He desires to use ME for.. US for... The amazing thing to my heart is to hear how many people are truly in a place of knowing... "I'm not where I should be with God.. I know He should come first, but somehow He falls a little on my list of things to do.. I know I need to bring Him back to the top, but I just haven't".. It's funny b/c I am that person, as well.. and I know too often the feeling of confession when you get to this point, but it still doesn't change anything about how we order our life.. our days.. But the instant.. the MOMENT we bring Him back to the top.. the moment we turn back to seek and pursue Him.. He shows us that He is and always was there.. That He is able to overwhelmingly embrace each of us and bring us back to the place that He so desires.. it's as if we never lost focus of priority.. He just couldn't wait! 

 

I notice that sometimes my life needs to be shaken up a little every now and again to just be reminded of how powerfully we need to keep Him right there - front and center.. no focus.. no vision.. no desire for anything else..

 

"Who of you is left who saw this house in its former glory? How does it look to you  now?  Does it not seem to you like nothing?  But now be strong...Be strong, for I am with you.  This is wha I covenanted with you when you came out of Egypt.  And my Spirit remains among you. Do not fear.  This is what the Lord almighty says:  In a little while I will once more shake the heavens and the earth, the sea and the dry land.  I will shake all nations and the desired of all nations will come, and I will fill this house with glory, says the Lord Almighty.... The glory of this present house will be greater than the glory of the former house, says the Lord Almighty.  And in this place I will grant peace, declares the Lord Almighty. "  Haggai 2:3-9

 

It is amazing what happens when one is shaken up a bit.. When all of the sudden the things that were, are no more, and are left... and seem like nothing..

 

Even when we aren't sure which way to turn when our world is being shaken around us.. when we don't know how to get ourselves back to that place with Him to know that He has never left.. He is STILL there.. He is still whispering.. "Do not fear.. My Spirit remains with you"...

 

I feel so many of us are in a world that is being shaken.. that we are looking at wondering.. this isn't what I saw before.. My life.. I saw my life if it's former glory.. when things were comfy.. when I was comfy... I wasn't dealing with this up and down stuff.. I wasn't questioning.. I wasn't wondering.. I was just existing.. And now I'm looking at this pile of rubble noticing.. God.. It doesn't look like much at all!  What on earth can you do with this?!

 

But I love that He goes on to promise.. He basically predicts our future in a way that says, I WILL shake you again.. the earth.. the heavens.. the nations.. your world will be shaken again, but in that process the glory that will be present will be MUCH greater than the former.. the Peace that becomes known will be like no other..

 

Jason Upton expressed that if we aren't in a place of questioning, pursuing, seeking.. we are in "religion".. everyone hears those words.. "Religion.. You are religious, aren't you"...

 

We are called to QUESTion.. We are on a quest to understand the heart of the Father.. and if we don't.. if we just sit in our cushioned chairs.. we are in a religion.. but when we quest after the One true God.. when we ask questions.. seek deeper, pursue stronger.. we understand the QUEST that He has called us to..

 

I love knowing that all through it all, He is only one step away... One step away.. He never falters.. never leaves.. never wanders.. One step.. if you think about the one step.. you don't have to turn all the way around to begin pursuing Him or to understand Him or to be wrapped back up in Him.. You have one step.. one step and He is already there..

 

It's like a child.. You have a child standing on a ledge.. this child knows that one step causes them to fall of the ledge, but they know that the person standing in front is THERE.. and will catch them.. just one step.. one step of the ledge places them back in the arms of the Protector..

 

Just..

Take one step........

June 20, 2008

FRI 20 JUN 2008

Forfeiting grace?   (My Blog) By Angela Beth

One of the first things I thought about when all of this happened to drastically change my life, was GRACE.... I kept thinking.. God.. I do NOT deserve all that is now pouring in as far as love from others.. I am so undeserving of the words they are giving me that You are going to repay... I constantly felt like I just wanted to hide away from it all, but I couldn't escape.. whereever I went.. whichever way I turned, I would still be faced with a reminder of how blessed I am, yet how undeserving I truly feel..

I continued to fall further and further into lack of understanding and guilt because I'm just.. Me.  I don't deserve this.. and I don't know how to receive this BECAUSE of those feelings.

 

I woke up this morning to an email from my good sister and friend, Kami..  This was Jonah's prayer from inside the belly of the fish:

 

Jonah 2: 1-9

In my distress I called to the Lord, and He answered me.  From the depths of the grave I called for help, and You listened to my cry.  You hurled me into the deep, into the very heart of the seas, and the currents swirled about me; all Your waves and breakers swept over me.  I said, "I have been banished from Your sight; yet I will look again toward Your holy temple."  The engulfing waters threatened me, the deep surrounded me; seaweed was wrapped around my head.  To the roots of the mountains I sank down; the earth beneath barred me in forever.  But YOU brought my life up from the pit, O Lord my God. 

When my life was ebbing away, I remembered You, Lord, and my prayer rose to You, to Your holy temple. 

 

(and this is where it gets GOOD)

 

THOSE WHO CLING TO WORTHLESS IDOLS, FORFEIT THE GRACE THAT COULD BE THEIRS.  BUT I, WITH A SONG OF THANKSGIVING, WILL SACRIFICE TO YOU.  WHAT I HAVE VOWED I WILL MAKE GOOD.  SALVATION COMES FROM THE LORD.

 

Father God, I have been realizing that I truly needed to have an understanding of what Grace really is.  I have struggled way too long with feelings of worthlessness, unworthiness, and lack of a belief that I'm only deserving BECAUSE of You.  I feel like this is a fresh page in my life.. I mean.. obviously.. and everyone has already said this.. but I'm learning that in order to truly understand the immeasurable amount of Grace that you have for each of us are to let go of the tight grip we have of worthless idols.. things... I'm not even talking about the stuff that I saved up to buy.. I'm not talking about the big screen tvs, sound systems, guitars, skis, etc etc etc.. I'm also talking about the photo-albums, song books of original work, journals, laptop w/ collective thoughts, and childhood toys which were going to be given to my children someday..

 

I'm talking about friendships, relationships, and family..

 

(It is extremely difficult to type that part of the blog due to a fear that the enemy has held over my life for many years.. I have consistently been concerned that if I step out more for Him, I will begin to lose things that are important to me.. I noticed myself struggling with this fear right after the fire.. I lost my home.. I lost my stuff.. I lost my cat... I began to constantly worry about my parents.. siblings.. friends... I began to constantly become afraid that I was going to receive yet another dreaded phone call.. I'm only writing about it on here, b/c I'm going to ask you to agree WITH me that the enemy has NO hold over the things of my heart, and that My God.. My Abba.. Has full protection covering them in His blood.. Thank you Lord.. The lies are exposed, the truth can begin to pour in)..

 

The thing is, we have the choice to hold on to the worthlessness of the world, and forfeit the understanding of Your grace that IS ours.  I'm not saying in order to receive grace you have to lose everything you own.. I'm just realizing for myself that when there is a sacrifice SO great, this is when you understand the measure of His grace upon our lives.  And to do it in thanksgiving, either as difficult or simplistic as it MAY or may not be, He so desires just to pour out a new understanding of Who He is regardless of the world that may be burning down around you...

 

maybe it's losing a loved one.. or a dream/vision.. maybe it's losing "things"... a home... a job.. a pet.. whatever.. whatever it is.. It is then that you will begin to experience His grace which will help carry you and demonstrate His powerful love to you...

 

I would rather sacrifice worthless idols then I would want to forfeit grace..

 

 

The following part of this blog was emailed to me today - Joel and Victorias devo for 6/20/2008.  How fitting, I do believe...

 

Don’t Give Up
Today's Scripture
“So let’s not get tired of what doing good what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up” (Galatians 6:9).
Today's Word from Joel and Victoria
Are you believing God for something? Is it taking longer than you thought or expected? No matter how long you may have been standing, don’t give up! Your season is coming. Your harvest of blessing is on its way. It might be today, it might be tomorrow, it might be next week, next month or next year, but remember, at the right time you will experience your breakthrough. Be encouraged today because God is faithful and His promises are true. Keep standing, keep hoping, keep believing. Keep doing good. Keep declaring the promises of God over your life. Choose to be around people who are going to encourage you and fill your heart and mind with God’s Word. Let a song of praise come out of your mouth. As you continue to press on in faith and keep an attitude of victory, you will see your harvest of blessing and live as an overcomer in every area of your life.
A Prayer for Today
Heavenly Father, thank You for Your faithfulness in my life. Fill me with Your strength to keep doing good and standing firm until I see my harvest of blessing. Thank You for Your peace in my life. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

June 19, 2008

THU 19 JUN 2008

Zephaniah 3:20   (My Blog) By Angela Beth

At that time I will gather you; at that time I will bring you home.  I will give you honor and praise among all the peoples of all the earth when I restore your fortunes before your very eyes.  Zeph 3:20.

 

This was one of those "bible falls open in my lap to a passage" moments.. I admit, this isn't the best way to go, but I truly have noticed God's hand just holding mine.. I have noticed the purity and the realization that I am not alone in this, that He has it ALL arranged, worked out, protected, and taken care of.  Sure, I'm having up and down moments.. Isn't that expected?  I mean, it's only been a week since I received such a life changing phone call.. "angela, where are you?  the house is gone".  How is a house just gone... How is a building that is such a landmark, such a security in an insecure world... just... gone.. How are years of memories... and collections of financial investments just ... gone... how are blessings given and memories contained just... gone..

"It's gone, ang.. it's gone.. look out the window you can see the smoke.. it's... gone." 

 

Exactly one week ago today I received that call around 3p.m.  The shop was SLAMMED.. I left my home that morning, actually having to run back in to my apartment to grab one last thing (and a pretty invalueable thing, I might add.. Had I known of the things that would take place, I would have grabbed so much more).. I looked Zeke in the eye as he ran to the door when I came back in.. The look he had was a look of longing.. "take me with you" he seemed to say in the depth of his eyes.. Did he know?  They say that animals can sense things.. Did he know it was going to be the last time I would see him.. The last time I would say, "I know.. I want you to come too, but I will be back in a little bit.. I promise!"... I was back.. it was just.. too late...

 

It's still not real to me.  I still feel like if I drive up best road as I've done for over three years, and I arrive at my driveway, beginning to slow down at mailbox number 1117, because 1089 would be coming up shortly on the right... it will all be there.. the driveway will be packed with cars of either Kevin's, Mike's, or Lauren's friends... Charlie will be out pushing a wheelbarrow over my way to say hi, or Lona will be returning from her "craft night".  The lawn still looks perfectly manicured in the picture in my mind, the pool still glimmers in the sunlight, and the garage still so neat and orderly with toys of the boys..

I still feel like Zeke and I will have yet another pillow fight, or he will curl up directly on my head as I'm laying down for the night to read.. I still feel he will snuggle into my belly as I lay on my side, or rub his whiskers in my eyes before I'm awake to remind me that he's hungry..

 

yeah.. it's still very surreal... 

 

But so is God.  It is so surreal to realize just how perfect He is regardless of the things that happen around us.  It's an amazing moment and opportunity to simply fix my eyes and mind and heart on Who He is and the desires He has for us to just ... see... the unreal ability He has to forgive without fault, prepare without pay, and love without lease.. It is unreal to me when we are lost in a world of being let down and lost.. (homeless, in my current case) that I'm feeling more home and more at place in the center of His will then I ever have in my house.. I loved my home.. I loved my apt. and I treasured it.. I thanked Him for it daily.. I treasured my midnight walks on the trail (and the ones I included Zeke on) and my opportunites to worship Him on the hill.. I loved the seclusion I could have to just sit w/ Him, my guitar and just worship or pour out my heart on the pages and know that He loved every word.. every note.. on key or off..

 

but I love that right now.. I have nothing.. I have no plans as to where I will live or what I will do.. I have no music.. no guitar.. none of my "comfort" stuff.. stuffed animals.. pictures.. Zeke... my bed... and tho I'm not really sleeping.. I have everything.. I have a peace in my heart which can only be of Him.  Do I long for all that I had?  absolutely.. but I long for Him and what He has ahead THAT MUCH MORE..

 

I have to take this time to tell you that THIS IS NOT FORCED.. This Blog is my raw and exposed thoughts (read on in other entries.. you will see how raw and exposed).. I'm sure I'll have moments that are up and down, as well as moments I've already had that have been a bit emotional, but I praise Him now and I ask Him to give me strength to praise Him in that, too..

 

A whole new appreciation... a whole new understanding.. it really isn't worth it to get wrapped up in the trash of.. so much.... judgment.. misunderstanding... expectations... let downs... b/c there isn't anything constant here, and this is the only place that we are called to be in right now.. We can try and fight to put ourselves in this perfect world.. this perfect bubble where NO ONE hurts us, offends us, or upsets us.. we can put ourself in this world where no one ever understands except for ourselves.... or we can put ourself in this world where we are the only person who will be able to watch out for ourselves.. take care of ourselves..

 

what a lie...

 

we NEED Him, yet we NEED to understand the importance of allowing Him to work in and through us in anothers life regardless.. regardless of the hurts we face from others, and the joy from them too.. regardless of the moments of trust built, and trust destroyed.. regardless of.. it all..

 

just knowing that when we are so securely wrapped in His arms.. when we are so tightly hidden in the cleft of The Rock... it is then that.. it doesn't really matter.. He has us.. people will fail, but He has placed them here for a reason.. and knowing we MUST hide in him, we also can't hide away forever.. We love BECAUSE He first loved us.. we don't love because He asked us to.. We don't love b/c He forced us to.  He created adam to love, and so God created Eve for adam to love... BECAUSE God first loved adam..

 

I love the way He has shown His love to me through SOOO many.  i can't even begin to figure out where it has all come from, but I am DAILY overwhelmed by love, support, prayers... So so much that I would never expect, and I feel that I can never or will never be able to repay.  God I take this time and I ask you to please.. please.. overwhelm EACH and every person you are using in this time... bless them twice, three times, and BEYOND.. what they would ever expect.. and I KNOW You desire and plan to, and I thank you in advance for what You are doing in and through each person.

 

I love this verse, and I know it is going to be the rock on which I stand as God continues to rebuild the life that I've had.  God, I take this time to thank you for putting me through a situation this year that prepared me.. I know that situation was small in comparison to what I am now faced with and I thank you for the preparation.. for the opportunity I have had to be prepared.. trained.. and ready to take part in what You have in store.. I'm SO excited about what is in store.. No turning back.. no looking back... and I am excited for you to "bring me home".....

I love you, Jesus...

 

At that time I will gather you; at that time I will bring you home.  I will give you honor and praise among all the peoples of all the earth when I restore your fortunes before your very eyes.  Zeph 3:20.

THU 19 JUN 2008

Encourage Yourself   (My Blog) By Angela Beth

We all face difficult seasons in life. The key to victory during these times is to stay encouraged. Although it’s important to be lifted up by our friends, the best way to stay encouraged is to encourage ourselves! In a day and age when people are very critical of themselves, we need to be just the opposite and become our own greatest encourager.

One of the best examples of this is David. 1 Samuel 30:6 says, ”David encouraged himself in the Lord his God.” He faced many oppositions, disappointments, and set backs. But the key to David’s success is found in the fact that despite the negative circumstances all around him, he drew his strength from the Lord and remembered what God had done for him in the past.

One of the greatest ways to encourage ourselves is to remember what the Lord has done for us. No one else can truly know how the Lord has provided for, cared for, blessed, and delivered you than yourself! Focus your mind and heart on what the Lord has done for you. You’ll increase your faith and have more strength, hope and joy to continue living a better life in Christ.   J. Olsteen

June 17, 2008

TUE 17 JUN 2008

end to beginning.....   (My Blog) By Angela Beth

I can't even begin to explain what I'm feeling, mostly because I don't even really know.  And every time I try to sit and either journal, blog, email, or explain it, my capacity to comprehend dries up like the tears that I know are waiting to fall.. For a person who has ONLY known how to focus on reflective thinking, I'm now at a place where it frightens me to no avail... I do not know what will come out of the depth of my heart if I even peek through to the window of my soul, and I'm afraid of the face that may stare right back out the window at me.  Will she be hiding behind laughter, hoping that the sound of giggles will drown the sound of sobs?  Will she realize the depth of the loss, or understand the hope and unknown promise of gain? 

 

If we truly reach into our hearts, what is there?  I'm feeling like a world that I have tried so hard to package and giftwrap into what I thought others expected and desired is unraveling.. the paper is getting ripped, the box is getting damaged, and the components are being exposed.. it ruins the mystery of what is truly inside, and it brings me to a place where I wonder... "will they really like what they see once they see what's inside?" 

 

Things that I love.. focusing on others so as not to have to sit and process my own petty problems... Making others laugh.. blessing others in service, in encouragement, and in giving.. I love the opportunity to be surrounded or in solitude, at an instant so as my heart desires.. I love to be able to show of the amazing treasures and blessings with which I have been provided by an incredible Heavenly Father, as well as earthly parents and family/friends.  I love the ability of knowing how to hide behind a smile oh so well... and I love the fact that people are just so hungry to be heard, loved, comforted, and accepted, b/c it is there that I am able to run..

but I cannot run away...

run away from the things I hate........

 

I hate having to allow myself to admit that maybe.. just maybe... things are wrong.. hard.. unfair.. unfamiliar, and uncomfortable.. I hate having to lie.. that everything is fine when in reality, my world is lost around me and there is absolutely no sense of normalicy.. I hate trusting, knowing that when someone says, "I care about you and will take care of you", it really may not mean a thing.. I hate the fact that so many promises are made in "double for your trouble", yet I constantly feel like I'm the one that's the bargin on the rack.. 50% OFF!!!  GET IT FOR HALF THE COST... The things that were of value to me are not doubling to my understanding, they are seeming to be stripped out, cut down, and removed from my life.. so what really IS important..? what IS the double that we are promised..? and are we actually promised it, or is it only when we can become content with what we HAVE (or don't have, in my case) that then.. and ONLY then.. will what we gain or be given become the double portion.. I don't know.. like I said.. I'm in a place right now where I feel I'm losing out, where every well of water I run to for hope and provision comes up dry.. empty.. like me..

 

I want so badly to say.. why.. yet... why would i?  what good does it REALLY do to sit and focus on why things happen.. where things go.. I wasn't unappreciative of what I had.. or at least I didn't think so.. They say this kind of stuff happens TO MAKE you realize how blessed you were.. God.. was I that ungrateful?  I'm not sure I fully understand, but I know talking, crying, or wondering about it doesn't change it.. it only makes your eyes puffy, your nose sore, and your throat hurt.. and where does that get me in the long run? 

 

I feel I'm in a game where I picked the piece that automatically has made me a loser, and yet I still have to play the game, even though I won't come in first place.. I feel I have failed at so much, and I feel that all of which is important to me is being stripped away.. my first love.. my dirtbike.. my guitars.. my music.. journals.. business plan.. "stuff".. zeke.. my perfect eutopia I called home.. I so often want to say, "Ok God.. what's next?"... yet I also know that this MAY not be a part of your plan... but YOU are going to make good of it.. how do I know?  I'M NOT SURE.. but I have nothing else to trust in, so why not, right?

 

I'm lost in guilt, condemnation, and feelings of ungratefulness when I actually DO reach down to figure out how I'm feeling.. (add this to the list of things I hate).. yet THOSE are the voices that don't go away.. "Look at you. you are supposed to be a CHRISTIAN?!  You scum.. you don't appreciate the things you are given.. you don't appreciate the hospitality.. you are more focused on what you WANT rather than what others want to give you.." it's so amazing the way that the lies never miss a beat.. it's like the news... no matter what - if it's BIG to you.. it's big to them.. (the news AND the voices)... and if it's personal to you .. they (both) know JUST how to squirm into your life to get their own ideas and thoughts in..

 

I'm ready for clarity.. it's only been four days.. For the second time this year.. I feel like four days has been four years.. I am lost. I have no place to go, yet everyone offered me their home.. I have no one to turn to, yet everyone keeps asking how I am.. I have nothing that I own, yet I have so much of peoples "stuff" that I do not know what to do with it all.. I have a longing to say.. it really... does.. not ... matter... and I'm trying.. God I'm trying so hard..

 

I'm trying to seek You in it.. I'm trying to trust You and know that You have it all worked out.. i'm trying to praise You, and to encourage others to do the same.. I'm trying to give You the glory, regardless.. I'm trying to be there for others.. to do what others ask and expect of me so that I do not upset or offend THEM... I'm trying to tune my ear into Your voice knowing it's all I need to clothe my heart... my soul.. and to protect it from the raging fire that consumes and destroys all but that which was never caught in it's grip.

 

God, please.. please help... help me to trust that you do bring forward beauty from ashes... b/c right now.. all I see is soot. 

 

 

May 19, 2008

MON 19 MAY 2008

Hearing the voice of God   (My Blog) By Angela Beth

Message from the Chapel at Crosspoint in Buffalo, NY.

We all struggle with desiring to hear the voice of God.  And all too often we expect to hear it and find Him in the great things.. the passion.. the power.. the lighting.. the thunder... the waterfalls.. the revivals... the meetings with others... I could go on.

Check out 1 Kings 19:8-18
Elijah went to a cave to spend the night.  The Lord asked him, "what are you doing here?"

Now - God didn't really NEED to ask that.. He wasn't surprised.. He knew that Elijah was trying to get away and find God on the mountain.  He needed Elijah to speak... Out of the overflow of your heart, the mouth speaks.  God needed ELijah to speak - to hear his own heart overflow so that he was able to analyze for himself what is going on in his heart.

Elijah decides to reply back to God, "I have been zealous for the Lord.  The Israelites rejected you, broken down your alters, etc and now they are going to try to kill me".

The Lord instructed Elijah to step out on the mountain and wait as the presence of the Lord was going to pass him by..

Powerful wind came - tore mountains apart.... No God
Earthquaked... No God
Fire on the earth....No God

After the fire came a gentle whisper.. The words "gentle whisper" can't even be translated from Hebrew to english... The pastor this weekend said the best way to describe what had happened was by using the phrase, "the sound of silence".

Which is an ironic phrase to begin with. 


The thing is, we long so passionately to hear from God... We seek Him out, we go to meetings, to revivals, to mountains, to waterfalls (niagra falls for me), only for Him to ask us, "what are you doing here?" 

I myself (like the pastor) wanted to so so desperately to hear the voice of God. 

I did...
Not audibly, but so much louder than that.

Othertimes I have spoken to you through others.. friends.. prophets, pastors, teachers...

this time, I spoke to you.. I speak to you.. and it's in silence...it's in quiet that I can best speak TO you.

We all know the hunger, the pain, and the emptiness of not hearing God's voice from time to time, but sometimes He simply wants to do something SO different. 
Amos 3:7

If you go into Hebrews, it is going to talk to us more about in the bible there were two signifcant mountains.  Mount Sinai - place of judgement.. Where God wrote the ten commandments, or Mount Horeb (also known as the mountain of God).  Sometimes we are going to the wrong mountain.  It's easy to just travel TO the mountain, but wouldn't you rather meet with God in the right place rather than seek out what you believe to be the right thing, only to find that it isn't right?  Had Elijah gone to Mt. Sinai - following Moses' "God speaks moment", he would have found himself on the mountain known for judgement.  He went to Mt Horeb - the mountain of the Lord.  and the Lord spoke to Him in the silence ...

Understand something... Remember the judgement of God in the old testament.  He was INTENSE.  Praise God for His son Jesus to who the wrath of God...

See, God was able to satisfy His wrath on people in the sound of silence.. What worse form of punishment then to not hear the voice of God when you so longingly desire..
yet God is not a God who desire to punish.. He is a JUST God.. which is WHY He finally sent His son to us.. His Son Jesus is our primary voice that speaks God to us on the earth.  God's voice to You is JESUS...

God will never speak to you, His chosen and dearly loved child, absent of love.  What God has spoken through Jesus is that the fireworks of judgement have been silenced in your life.

This song was started on Friday night when I was really struggling with trying to figure out who exactly I am.  I kept asking God.. Who am I... God .. not what are the things about me but WHO am I?  I just felt so confused...

The second part of this song came from the above sermon I just heard on Sunday at the church in buffalo about Elijah on the mountain.  It's in 1 kings 19:8-18 - read it.. SO good to think that we try to find God in the loud.. in the revivals in the passion in the power in the awe of everything around us, but sometimes all He longs to do is speak to us in the silence...


Gentle Whisper

I feel like I'm teetering on the edge
I'm peering over this ledge
And all I am longing for is clarity
for who You made me to be..

A few small rocks begin to slide
Wondering how long I can hide
Behind the smile behind the laughter
It's not what I'm after

Prechorus:
Waisted moments are all built up for this?
Twenty plus years of ... false bliss
And in that time that You broke my heart
Was that maybe a brand new start

Chorus:
To something,
Beautiful
Wonderful
Impossible
to miss Your pull
Inside of me
Longing to be
Completely
completely free
in You

And then the Lord asked me "now why are you here"
I said "Lord, I need to feel You near"
The wind came and tore the mountains apart
and the earthquaked and shattered my heart
(*music gets louder/powerful)
Yet the Lord my God did not show up in those
I wonder, now how do you suppose?
The raging fire will billow and it will burn
(*VERY QUITELY sung)
but He came, in a gentle whisper

Prechorus:
Waisted moments are all built up for this?
Twenty plus years of ... false bliss
And in that time that You broke my heart
Was that maybe a brand new start

Chorus:
To something,
Beautiful
Wonderful
Impossible
to miss Your pull
Inside of me
Longing to be
Completely
completely free
in You
(repeat)

May 2, 2008

FRI 2 MAY 2008

Splinter   (My Blog) By Angela Beth

I started to work on another song last night (kind of regarding what my heart is feeling in this), and then I was writing a letter to my friend that knows a little about it. He sent me a card yesterday and touched exactly on what I needed to hear..(He gave me two words.. Joyfullness.. I need to have joy in the Lord and be thankful for everything regardless.. He said when I see people that I'm hurting from, I should just smile.. and Discernment.. He said I need to discern situations that will hurt or help me.. I need to protect my heart.. I need to learn to discern my motives as well as others motives for why they act the way they do with me..)
 
My mom stopped by last night and I read her the letter and randomly I started to cry about everything again when we were talking about it.. like, COME ON I just want to be done..
 
So when I wrote back, I was telling my friend that I realized it's like a splinter.. 
 
When you get a splinter.. it's this TINY little piece of almost nothing, yet it annoys you and almost hurts so much.. it's such a pain.. and the thing is, sometimes you don't even remember or really know it's there, but when something touches it JUST right and it's like.. UGH.. OUCH!
 
I remember when I was younger I hated splinters for two reasons..
1.  I hated having to deal w/ getting them and them in there..
2.  I hated having to let my dad get them out, b/c it always hurt.. b/c he would bring a lot of attention to an area that already hurts.. and I know it wouldn't get better unless he did what he had to, but it hurt.. I hated it..
 
Sometimes the splinter would be in so deep that he would tell me to take a bath and soak it so it would swell up and starts to work its way out..
 
Well I realized last night that this is what is going on w/ me regarding everything in my life right now..
 
It's like most of the hurt isn't there anymore, and I praise God for that.. but there is still this little splinter.. and man, if you hit it right IT HURTS.. big time.. just the right word, look, memory, or whatever will just ... brings pain to my heart..
I feel like until I bring attention to the splinter, it won't go away.. I have to let my Daddy take it out, but it scares me b/c it hurts to take it away.. even though I know in the end once it's out it won't hurt anymore.. I don't want the attention there.. on that particular part of me.
 
Sometimes God needs me to soak it and soften it up, hence the tears...the tears fall, and they fall into my heart - where the splinter is..
 
I dunno..
I guess that is the best analogy for me to to really explain what I'm feeling..
The pain isn't constant.. it's not as overwhelming.... it's not as horrible.. it's just.... there... and I have to let it get taken out so that I can heal.. so that the wound can heal... and I have to let God pick at it to remove the splinter and repair the damage and get the bad out so my heart can be normal again..